I shit you not, some fancy food blog decided to reinvent Australian fairy bread. Along with a recipe bearing no resemblance to Australian fairy bread, there were a few facts that were invented as well. So, I thought I would set everyone straight on just what is fairy bread and why having it as toast is the worst idea ever.
FAIRY BREAD: FICTION VERSUS FACT
- Fairy toast. Apparently us Australians use this term to describe fairy bread. Apparently it is a common term. No. No, it is not. I have never heard that term used. No one I have ever spoken to has heard any Aussie calling fairy bread “fairy toast.” I call bullshit.
In fact, the more I think about this made up term, the more it makes no sense. Anyone who has ever prepared fairy bread will be wondering how you get sprinkles to stick to the melted margarine on a slice of toast. The short answer is: you don’t. The long answer is: you don’t fucking do it.
- Origin story. Who the fuck cares? It’s fairy bread. You make it for birthday parties, that is all you need to know. My mum didn’t need to know where fairy bread originated from, she just needed to know if she had enough sprinkles to make a small or a large batch of fairy bread. But, if you want to know more about the origins of fairy bread, apparently it was inspired by this poem.
- When do you eat it? So, according to the fanciful story that fairy bread is actually fairy toast, us Aussies also eat it for breakfast. We do no such thing. Fairy bread is a party food. Mostly it is made for children’s parties, but, sometimes we make it to take to a grown up party. We do not have it for breakfast, or “a snack in-between meals, or after dinner to finish off the meal.” It is fancy food that should be appreciated at a party, not everyday.
A TRADITIONAL RECIPE FOR FAIRY BREAD
- Firstly, there are only three ingredients for fairy bread: white bread, margarine and sprinkles.
The bread should be cheap. And square. None of those curves at the top that come with homemade or fancy bread. The aim is to whack out a batch of fairy bread in a hurry for your child’s birthday party. Bread that is not square is no good for geometric sorting on the plate.
The article fancying up fairy bread said you should use “cultured butter.” Or to make your own. I’m not sure who was interviewed for this article, but anyone who has ever tried to spread butter on cheap white bread will be able to smell the bullshit here. Margarine is soft, it spreads easily on white bread. Butter, on the other hand, tears through the delicate fluff of white bread and you end up with artisan croutons rather than a party food. Oh, and if you manage to fit two tablespoons of spread onto a single piece of bread, please, throw that shit out!
Finally, what ever the fuck “sparkly sanding sugar” is, it doesn’t belong on fairy bread. You have two choices here, round sprinkles (also called 100’s & 1000’s here in Australia) and splintered sprinkles. If you want fancy, pick a colour theme, otherwise it is rainbow all the way! Which is better, 100’s & 1000’s or splinters? If you have ever seen people arguing about pineapple on a pizza, you know the response to expect here.
- To make fairy bread, slap some margarine on your bread, spread it right out to the crust.
- Fill a bowl with your preferred sprinkles
- Dip your bread, margarine-side down into the bowl of sprinkles and press lightly. You want maximum adhesion here.
- Cut your fairy bread into triangles. If you want, you can remove the crusts, but it really doesn’t matter
Have you ever had fairy bread? Let me know by commenting below!