I still can’t believe that this is the last time EVER that I will be writing a True Blood recap. 😦 Here’s what went down in HBO’s True Blood Season 7 finale, Episode 10 (entitled Thank You):
- So Sookie (Anna Paquin) and Bill (Stephen Moyer) can’t decide who is right and who is wrong in the whole ‘kill Bill‘ debate. And then Bill goes and drops the clanger that not only does he want to die, he wants Sookie to kill him! Way to go Bill, your bastardry is legendary now. To make matters worse, he wants her to use her once only use miracle fairy light ball. He claims it’s so she will be human/normal afterwards, but I am just wondering if, after being Billith, he is just looking for another god complex high…
- Eric Northman (Alexander Skarsgard) and his progeny Pam (Kristin Bauer van Straten) finally remember they are vampires and hatch a plan to kill Mr. Gus (Will Yun Lee). RIP Mr. Gus, the villain who never had time to be a true villain, but is now nothing more than a human crisp. Sarah Newlin (Anna Camp) is free now too, and on the loose, but that completely okay because Pam made her have some of her vampire blood and she is tracked down quicker than you can say ‘Mr. Gus has mad satellite stalking skills.‘
- Sarah, once recaptured, does the only thing she knows how – use her body. Only Pam wouldn’t go down on her for all the money in the world, and as for making Sarah into the vampire she requested – fuck that for a joke! And, all I can say about that is thank god for that.
- Remember how the Yakuza were on the way to Sookie’s house? Don’t worry, Eric dealt with it like a boss.
- Jessica Hamby (Deborah Ann Woll) and Hoyt Fortenberry (Jim Parrack) turn up at Bill’s and totally get railroaded into marriage. Yes, we have a wedding in the True Blood finale. <insert crying here> Yeah, I really can’t help myself when it comes to weddings
- Before this quickie wedding (even Holly (Lauren Bowles) is questioning if Jess is pregnant, it’s that shotgun), Bill lets Andy Bellefleur (Chris Bauer) know he is his heir apparent. Lucky Andy is all ‘Gee, I don’t want your house vampire Bill‘ because Bill doesn’t want him to have it either. But since he couldn’t get Jessica adopted in time (on account of him killing his solicitor), he wants Andy to rent the Compton estate to Jess for a mere $1 a month.
- At the wedding Sookie suddenly stars hearing Bill’s thoughts. Let’s just back the fuck up a moment here – Sookie hears Bills thoughts! Yet she doesn’t say anything to anyone, least of all Bill. I am wondering if maybe Bill is turning into a human thanks to his weird version of Hep-V.
- So Sookie is busy worrying over what she should do in regards to the Bill situation and gets advice from all sorts of people. Reverend Daniel’s (Gregg Daniels) advice is pretty sound, Jason’s (Ryan Kwanten) not so much. But then Sookie has her very own flashback and Gran (Lois Smith) helps her out as well.
- While Sookie is looking for Jason, she comes across Bridgette (Ashley Hinshaw) and
reads her mindworks out Bridgette likes Jason, even if she hasn’t slept with him yet. When Sookie lets Jason in on this little secret, he is totally confused since he equates not having sex with ‘she’s not really that into me‘. So there’s that loose end tied up now Jessica got forced into marriagechose Hoyt…
- And then we come to the part where you realise there is going to be a funeral as well as a wedding in the finale. Sookie totally agrees to kill Bill and gets his grave dug up and everything sorted before she decides no man is going to take her fairy light – least of all the one that clawed his way up out of the grave and had nasty dirty, grave yard sex with her…
- So she completely changes her mind and monologues about it. Even Bill is getting sick of being in the bottom of a deep hole having to listen to it. Which is probably why he decided to help her stake him…
- …hello puddle of Bill goo! <insert sobbing ugly bawling here> My theory about Bill becoming human has just become a moot one. And what if Bill was becoming human, did Sookie suspect this and decide to kill him anyway, without even letting him know her theory? You go girl!
- Fast forward to a year later. Wait, what? I’m still grieving over here! But HBO has a TV show to wrap up and they ain’t got no time for that shit. Wait, is that Eric? Okay, I’m okay with that now. Eric and Pam have taken over Mr. Gus’s corporation and are now filming an infomercial for New Blood – and completely telling furfies about Sarah Newlin. *high five awesome viking Eric*
- <insert cameo appearance of Charlaine Harris here>
- Now it’s three years later and Eric and Pam are taking over the world and having the best story arc ever. The power has gone to Pam’s head though and she is completely dressing like Sarah Newlin
- Oh, look, it’s Fangtasia. Pam is in the dungeon letting vampires take their New Blood straight from the source. Yep, Sarah Newlin actually survived the True Blood finale! But she’s now the antidote whore Pam promised in Episode 9. We also get another cameo appearance fromSteve Newlin (Michael McMillian) here because Sarah is now completely batshit crazy.
- Next it’s Thanksgiving and some random guy is deep frying a turkey at Sookie’s house. Seems there is a big gathering going on. Oh look, there Jason and Bridgette and their three kids. And, wow, Sookie’s pregnant too! Wonder who the lucky guy is? Now they are all sitting down to dinner and there’s Sam (Sam Trammell) and Nicole (Jurnee Smollett-Bell) with their second child. Hoyt and Jess still look happy, and so do Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis) and James (Nathan Parsons). In fact, everyone in Bon Temps does. But who the heck is Sookie with? Then she leans over and kisses a guy with a beard. AND WE DON’T EVEN GET TO SEE HIS FACE.
- Oh, I get it, Sookie chooses to be human and that’s more important than which guy she ends up with. And I am crying all over again because Sookie is happy.
So, what did you think of Episode 10 of True Blood? Let me know by commenting below!
(Photo Credits: HBO Inc./Rachel Tsoumbakos. GIF Courtesy of PopSugar)
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